We’ve all done it
The game ends, everyone piles into the car, and before we’ve left the parking lot we’re asking about that missed shot or the play in the second half. We mean well. We want to help.
But those first few minutes after a game are when our kids feel the most. They’ve just won, lost, made a mistake or spent the game on the bench. A breakdown from us, however loving, can feel like a second evaluation.
It matters more than we think. In a U.S. survey of sports parents, the most common reason a child quit a sport was simply that it stopped being fun.
Six words that help
Two longtime coaching educators spent years asking college athletes what their parents did that helped or hurt. The thing athletes most often said made them feel good was simple: “I love to watch you play.” It’s not a formal study, but it rings true for a lot of us.
It works because it says nothing about the score or how they played. It tells our kids that we enjoy them, whatever happened.
What helps on the way home
- Let them lead. Some kids want to talk right away. Others want quiet or their music. Follow their cue.
- Start with something that isn’t about the game. “I love to watch you play” or “Are you hungry?” both work.
- If they want to talk, ask open questions. “What was the most fun part?” or “How did it feel out there?”
- Listen more than we talk. Reflect back what we hear: “Sounds like that call really bugged you.”
- Leave the coaching to the coach. Our tips can clash with what the coach is teaching, and that puts our kids in the middle.
What to skip
- Replaying their mistakes, or opening with “What happened on that play?”
- Criticizing the coach, the ref or teammates. Kids hear it as permission to blame.
- Comparing them to other players.
- Tying treats or rewards to goals, wins or minutes played.
After a tough one
Name the feeling without trying to fix it: “That was a hard one.” Disappointment is normal, and it passes faster when nobody analyses it on the spot.
If something really is bothering us, like playing time or how our child was treated, a lot of organizations suggest waiting at least 24 hours before reaching out to the coach. Then raise it calmly and privately. Whether they’re a fellow parent volunteering or a full-time coach, they want the season to go well for our kids too.
Keep an eye out for concussions
If your child mentions a headache, dizziness, feeling foggy or a hit to the head, take it seriously. In Ontario, Rowan’s Law asks athletes, parents, coaches and officials to review the province’s concussion awareness resources. They’re worth a look for what to watch for and what to do. Other provinces have their own guidance.
Player Vector was built by a sports parent who wanted to see how their kids were developing without a post-game debrief. Coaches share short updates through the season, so the ride home can just be the ride home. See how it works